i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
