I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
