I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
