Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
