ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
