I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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