I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
