i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
