You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
