she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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