y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
