People with herpes should wear stickers.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
