I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
