Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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