I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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