is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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