What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
40s are totally the cure
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
