soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
