You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
This house was built for laser tag.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
