I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
