i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
