Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
