So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
