Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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