plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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