They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
