I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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