corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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