Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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