I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
