Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
