It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
