He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
