I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
