I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
