I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
