this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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