how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
