I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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