I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
