sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
