Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
