I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
