Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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