dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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