Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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