Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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