Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I died a long time ago.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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