He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
