I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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